Loss

I wrote this and deleted it several times.  I keep thinking: do I want people to know, do I want to let the world in??  I guess I am deciding to push publish this time, hoping that I can get some of the emotions out.

My student asked me today "Mrs. D are you okay?"  I, of course, answered "I'm fine."  But, honesty I'm not.  Last Friday, I found out I lost the baby I had just carried 9 short weeks.  Jared and I found out we were expecting around Christmas time. I knew earlier, but didn't take the test until then.  The normal emotions had gone through my head- excited, nervous, elated, nervous, but we wanted one more and were excited to put the final piece in our family puzzle.  We decided to keep this pregnancy quiet, not telling many.  I didn't know why then, it just never felt like the right time to tell.

I went to the dr.  They sent me for a ultrasound a week later.  It was a normal, scheduled ultrasound...but, on the screen there no heartbeat, no movement.  I could see the little legs and arm, but before the tech even said, I new that this baby was gone.

I was shocked and saddened, embarrassed by the flood of emotions that came.  I struggled to keep it together.  I couldn't even tell Jared with words, only a text.  I felt like I was under a microscope as a number of nursed and doctors sat staring at me, asking if I was okay and telling me my options.  Personally, I have never dealt with something like this, but I have held the hands of friends as they grieved.  Even in those moments, I had no idea how devastating it was for them. I saw the sadness, but I don't think there was any way to understand the earth moving, punch you in the gut kind of feelings that come with the news, until now.

All weekend, I couldn't move my thoughts from the little one I still carried inside.  Each cramp reminded me and made tears sting the back of my eyes.  I wanted to hold it all together for my kids; I wanted to be a strong warrior woman.  I did normal tasks house work, teaching at church...and on the outside held it together (I think).

Monday I went in for the D&E.  The clinic was filled with compassionate people, and good drugs.  I don't remember much of the day.  Thankfully.

Yesterday I went back to work, thinking I was ready to get back to normal, and physically I am.  Emotionally, however, I feel raw.  A furry of feelings are just under the surface, and anything anyone says to me can trigger any one of them.  From anger to impatience, sadness, to frustration. I know the feelings will pass.  I just wish they would pass soon.

So, if you see me:  Yes, I look like crap or "tired".  I don't know "what happened or why"?  I'm fine. I am so, so, so thankful for the beautiful children I have, and yes, I realize I am young and can try again.

Now, can we just move on and get back to the normal gossip, complaining about kids, and meaningless talk because if you mention much  more I'm not sure which ugly emotion might raise it's head.  Seriously, I'm fine...or at least I know I will be.

Some Beach, somewhere...

Life as a Working Mom

I haven't posted in FOREVER!! Life has just gotten crazy, and honestly, I forget about Blogging.  The biggest happening for me has been starting a new job.  I am now teaching at the Islamic School of Columbia MO.  I teach 1st grade to 3 crazy kiddos.  To answer the questions I get most often: No, I don't have to teach them anything to do with their religion, and Yes, it is a pretty normal curriculum.  I don't wear the hijab (head scarf), but I do dress modestly.

I have decided that while I love teaching, man, I miss seeing my babies all day.  I miss picking up Jaden from school and reading with Jensen.  I miss doing Mea's hair in the morning.  Being a working mom is hard.  I thought it would be easier, but it isn't.  I traded isolation and repetition for guilt and longing.  So, I guess what they say is true, the grass is greener.

I do believe this job was God given.  Jared and I were trying to figure out how to make all the finances work, and ISCM called.  They offered me a job- 1) I couldn't pass up, and 2) Hours where Jared could stay at home during the day while I work.  It has been a blessing to work and know that we will have everything our family needs.  That being said- fingers & toes crossed that Jared gets the extension job he is interviewing for.

What I have decided is that I only get to do this mom thing once.  My babies will only be babies for a couple of years, so I'm going to enjoy it while I can.  This might be my last year to teach full time for the next couple of years.  Just until I get my kids all in school.  I know I am a good teacher, but when my kids are home and I'm not, I spend the day wondering what they are doing.

 I am thankful for the opportunity to be able to choose what I want to do as a woman, to have options.  But, I'm just not buying into the "a woman can have it all" concept.  Not this woman- not all at once.  In my life I am going to have it all...I'll have a great job, great kids, a house, a nice car...and everything else we need/want.  Right now, that is just too much pressure, and me spread too thin.  I want to enjoy it all, as well as having it all, and stuffing it all in at one time is hard.

This post is probably TMI for everyone...so on to what you are really wanting...KIDS PICS!

Let the Gingerbread house making Begin!

 They are winking :-)

Jensen's sleep

I don't know what happens when my kids turn 2.  The refuse to sleep.  I guess they just figure interesting things happen after 8.  Jensen has been really hard to get to sleep.  I try all the "Super Nanny" techniques, I've tried drugs (only legal safe ones- don't hate), laying with him, rocking him, not letting him take a nap in the day.  Anyway, I give in some nights and let it go- I just don't want to fight him.  After about 10, I start finding him in funny places.  The tall kitchen chairs...his closet....

Oh, I understand the importance of a good nights sleep, I am a responsible parent, and by 3 the other kids have figured it out, it just takes them a year or so to get the boundary.  I promise I'm a good mom :-)

The kids

Here's a cute one of the kiddos, just because...

CUTE Boys

This video makes my heart melt.  Jaden is reading to Jens, and they don't know I am taping them from around the corner.  It lasted about 20 mins like this.

Happy Birthday Dad!!

A week late, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY JARED!  He finally caught up to me and is the big 3-0!  We tried to make his evening special with a good dinner and ice cream cake.  The kids picked out a card in the store.  I just saw the picture and didn't read the inside until we got home.  It said Happy Birthday....Hope it is BUCKING AWESOME!  Nice- nothing like a 2 and 3 year old yelling BUCKING AWESOME!

Catching up...

I haven't wrote anything since March, but it isn't because we haven't had a ton going on.  In fact just the opposite.  I can't even believe how much we've done and the milestones we've hit in the past little bit of time.  So here's the rundown in semi chronological order...

Mea turned 7 and Jaden turned 3 in April.  My babies are not babies anymore.  For each child, we celebrated at home with family.  They are spoiled rotten; Jaden's favorite gift was an ORANGE bike and Mea loves her American Girl Doll. For having several years spacing them out they are so close.  Jaden absolutely adores Mea and Mea is understanding and lets her brother tag along.  I love watching them play together and when they are both home, you'll often times catch them snuggled together.

We got a kitten- Mea got it for her birthday, but the boys love her and take care of her when Mea is not here.  Izzy is the name Mea chose after a lot of deliberation.  My vote was for Sasha Striker- but I was out voted :-) 

Jared finished his Ph.D.  We had a lot of fun watching him walk- even thought it was a LONG ceremony for the kids.  Everyone is SUPER proud of Dad.

Mea had her first "real" dance recital.  She has had dreams of being a ballerina, so it was neat to see her shine on stage.  I almost shed a tear at how old she looked in full make-up, but I was so proud of her!!

Jared promised when he finished school we'd go to the beach so the week school got out we packed the van and headed to Biloxi.  It was so relaxing, beautiful and fun.  We have tons of stories to tell- birds pooping on our heads, stingrays, drinking ocean water, but I won't bore you with the details. There were so many really good pictures I had to include them all... 

This digital slideshow personalized with Smilebox

Shortly after our beach trip we got to go New Mexico to visit Jared's family.  The kids love it there.  The boys in the family are in heaven, Mea is getting to be quite the cowgirl, and I loved having extra sets of hands to help out- I almost read a whole book while we were there.  It is so nice to see family.  I had never gotten a chance to walk around the Gandpa and Grandma McCoy's farm until this trip and the scenery was breathtaking.

This digital slideshow created with Smilebox

Jensen turned 2.  He's been more and more independent, verbal, and crazy since.  Everyone who meets Jensen falls in love with him, from his smile, to his strut.  We love our "little man".

 After the parties were through, we have spent the summer recovering!  Lots of time in the sun.  We've worked on making new friends, and enjoying our cousins.  Tyler and Emma are Jaden and Jensen's "best friends".  I hope that it stays for ever.  I got to have a sisters day.  We realized that somethings never change- both the silly things we still do to our love for one another.  Sold a car, got a moped (LOVE IT).  Went to Youth Conference- met some fun ladies. Won the ward Pinewood Derby (thanks Grandpa Decker). Mea got her Library Card....

So Life goes on and on.  We enjoy every minute (okay most minutes).  We are BLESSED!!