My student asked me today "Mrs. D are you okay?" I, of course, answered "I'm fine." But, honesty I'm not. Last Friday, I found out I lost the baby I had just carried 9 short weeks. Jared and I found out we were expecting around Christmas time. I knew earlier, but didn't take the test until then. The normal emotions had gone through my head- excited, nervous, elated, nervous, but we wanted one more and were excited to put the final piece in our family puzzle. We decided to keep this pregnancy quiet, not telling many. I didn't know why then, it just never felt like the right time to tell.
I went to the dr. They sent me for a ultrasound a week later. It was a normal, scheduled ultrasound...but, on the screen there no heartbeat, no movement. I could see the little legs and arm, but before the tech even said, I new that this baby was gone.
I was shocked and saddened, embarrassed by the flood of emotions that came. I struggled to keep it together. I couldn't even tell Jared with words, only a text. I felt like I was under a microscope as a number of nursed and doctors sat staring at me, asking if I was okay and telling me my options. Personally, I have never dealt with something like this, but I have held the hands of friends as they grieved. Even in those moments, I had no idea how devastating it was for them. I saw the sadness, but I don't think there was any way to understand the earth moving, punch you in the gut kind of feelings that come with the news, until now.
All weekend, I couldn't move my thoughts from the little one I still carried inside. Each cramp reminded me and made tears sting the back of my eyes. I wanted to hold it all together for my kids; I wanted to be a strong warrior woman. I did normal tasks house work, teaching at church...and on the outside held it together (I think).
Monday I went in for the D&E. The clinic was filled with compassionate people, and good drugs. I don't remember much of the day. Thankfully.
Yesterday I went back to work, thinking I was ready to get back to normal, and physically I am. Emotionally, however, I feel raw. A furry of feelings are just under the surface, and anything anyone says to me can trigger any one of them. From anger to impatience, sadness, to frustration. I know the feelings will pass. I just wish they would pass soon.
So, if you see me: Yes, I look like crap or "tired". I don't know "what happened or why"? I'm fine. I am so, so, so thankful for the beautiful children I have, and yes, I realize I am young and can try again.
Now, can we just move on and get back to the normal gossip, complaining about kids, and meaningless talk because if you mention much more I'm not sure which ugly emotion might raise it's head. Seriously, I'm fine...or at least I know I will be.
Some Beach, somewhere...
