My student asked me today "Mrs. D are you okay?" I, of course, answered "I'm fine." But, honesty I'm not. Last Friday, I found out I lost the baby I had just carried 9 short weeks. Jared and I found out we were expecting around Christmas time. I knew earlier, but didn't take the test until then. The normal emotions had gone through my head- excited, nervous, elated, nervous, but we wanted one more and were excited to put the final piece in our family puzzle. We decided to keep this pregnancy quiet, not telling many. I didn't know why then, it just never felt like the right time to tell.
I went to the dr. They sent me for a ultrasound a week later. It was a normal, scheduled ultrasound...but, on the screen there no heartbeat, no movement. I could see the little legs and arm, but before the tech even said, I new that this baby was gone.
I was shocked and saddened, embarrassed by the flood of emotions that came. I struggled to keep it together. I couldn't even tell Jared with words, only a text. I felt like I was under a microscope as a number of nursed and doctors sat staring at me, asking if I was okay and telling me my options. Personally, I have never dealt with something like this, but I have held the hands of friends as they grieved. Even in those moments, I had no idea how devastating it was for them. I saw the sadness, but I don't think there was any way to understand the earth moving, punch you in the gut kind of feelings that come with the news, until now.
All weekend, I couldn't move my thoughts from the little one I still carried inside. Each cramp reminded me and made tears sting the back of my eyes. I wanted to hold it all together for my kids; I wanted to be a strong warrior woman. I did normal tasks house work, teaching at church...and on the outside held it together (I think).
Monday I went in for the D&E. The clinic was filled with compassionate people, and good drugs. I don't remember much of the day. Thankfully.
Yesterday I went back to work, thinking I was ready to get back to normal, and physically I am. Emotionally, however, I feel raw. A furry of feelings are just under the surface, and anything anyone says to me can trigger any one of them. From anger to impatience, sadness, to frustration. I know the feelings will pass. I just wish they would pass soon.
So, if you see me: Yes, I look like crap or "tired". I don't know "what happened or why"? I'm fine. I am so, so, so thankful for the beautiful children I have, and yes, I realize I am young and can try again.
Now, can we just move on and get back to the normal gossip, complaining about kids, and meaningless talk because if you mention much more I'm not sure which ugly emotion might raise it's head. Seriously, I'm fine...or at least I know I will be.
Some Beach, somewhere...
8 comments:
I know what you are going through, and am so sorry. The emotions will lessen over time, but there will always be sadness and there will always be a special place in your heart for your "lost" baby. I put that in quotes, because though the life was lost, I firmly believe our babies are in heaven waiting for us. I'll be praying for you and Jared. It's such a hard experience that no one comes close to understanding until they've been through it. Hang in there, and be kind to yourself and let yourself mourn...it's a process for sure and takes time. If you need anything let me know. My heart is breaking for you as I know how much pain miscarriage brings. Love ya! -Sheri
Oh Mary, I can totally understand the feelings of great loss. You are a mom to that child the second you realize its existance. And you lost that child, doesn't matter if it was 9 weeks of gestation or a toddler or teen or older. Your child. Period. Let yourself grieve as much as you need to. Grief is a tough nut to crack and we all grieve different ways. When my father in law died 2 years ago this week, I blogged like a crazy woman for months after. Looking back at those posts, it's wonder someone didn't have me committed, but it's just so hard to articulate it out loud in matters that sensitive and emotional. Do what you need to do. Never think it will get back to normal, in someways it might, in other ways it never will, but you will eventually be able to accept a new different normal than you knew before. Hang in there sweetie and know that others will be praying for your family in this time of need. Take Care, Kathy Hasekamp
btw, I think it's great that you are sharing your story. I know it's not easy. It's one of those things that people have always kept quiet about, but after sharing our miscarriage and stillbirth experiences, I have had MANY women (more than I have fingers and toes) come to me for comfort/understanding, and I'm so glad to know that I can be there for them. I guess it's one good thing that came from such a heartbreaking experience. I still hurt every day, but it is changing over time to where I can at least breathe and not lash out at everyone around me. Be patient with yourself.
HUGS!
I'm crying. You have been on my mind all week and now I know why. I'm so sorry. You are so very loved. I'll be checking in on you. Love you!
I'm so sorry, Mary! Not having experienced this, that's all I ccan say is that I'm sorry and that you'e in my thoughts. It is good that you're talking about it. Give yourself all the time that you need to grieve. You don't have to "get over it". Some things can not be gotten over and that's okay.
Thank you so much for the love and support. I have truly felt the arms of my Heavenly Father wrap around me. There is healing power in prayer.
Mary, my thoughts and prayers are going out to you and Jared right now. I haven't experienced this, for which I am so thankful, but so many woman have had to endure this loss...and I am sure that it is very difficult. Thankfully for you, you have a thriving family, a strong & supportive husband and a loving God with whom you have a great relationship with. And yet only time can heal some wounds. You'll be on my mind and heart.
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