Snow, Snow Go Away!

It has snowed a ton here.  I was just getting excited about spring coming and Old Man Winter blasted us again.  With the temperatures hovering around 32 degrees the kids have loved spending time outside.  They dug, built, threw and danced away their snow days.  For the first round Sue (Jared's mom) was here helping me hold down the fort.  Jared was out of town for a conference.  She was amazing and the kids had so much fun soaking up her attention.

The second blast was a lot heaver snow.  We lost trees across the road from us, but the neighborhood work together to cut it up.  The road was open by noon.

I really enjoyed staying with the kids.  I worked hard on getting the house picked up, so that now that I'm home for good, I can start on semi-even ground instead of digging out of a laundry housework pile!

Yes, you read that right- home for good.  I quit and am back to staying at home.  Jared got a  new job, and the split schedule just wasn't going to work.  We tried to  figure it all out, but in the end, it was just easier to walk away for ISCM and stay with my kids.  I was a little sad to leave, but it was a crazy environment, and the end was hard- so, I know it was the right thing to do.  I learned a lot, met some nice people, used my education to help my family, but staying with the boys is going to be nice.  I'll go back to work eventually.  Until then- playgroups, potty training, and playing taxi are on my list of things to do!

 ***I added this picture because Jared said it reminded him of bigfoot.  Now I can't help but chuckle every time I see it!

Loss

I wrote this and deleted it several times.  I keep thinking: do I want people to know, do I want to let the world in??  I guess I am deciding to push publish this time, hoping that I can get some of the emotions out.

My student asked me today "Mrs. D are you okay?"  I, of course, answered "I'm fine."  But, honesty I'm not.  Last Friday, I found out I lost the baby I had just carried 9 short weeks.  Jared and I found out we were expecting around Christmas time. I knew earlier, but didn't take the test until then.  The normal emotions had gone through my head- excited, nervous, elated, nervous, but we wanted one more and were excited to put the final piece in our family puzzle.  We decided to keep this pregnancy quiet, not telling many.  I didn't know why then, it just never felt like the right time to tell.

I went to the dr.  They sent me for a ultrasound a week later.  It was a normal, scheduled ultrasound...but, on the screen there no heartbeat, no movement.  I could see the little legs and arm, but before the tech even said, I new that this baby was gone.

I was shocked and saddened, embarrassed by the flood of emotions that came.  I struggled to keep it together.  I couldn't even tell Jared with words, only a text.  I felt like I was under a microscope as a number of nursed and doctors sat staring at me, asking if I was okay and telling me my options.  Personally, I have never dealt with something like this, but I have held the hands of friends as they grieved.  Even in those moments, I had no idea how devastating it was for them. I saw the sadness, but I don't think there was any way to understand the earth moving, punch you in the gut kind of feelings that come with the news, until now.

All weekend, I couldn't move my thoughts from the little one I still carried inside.  Each cramp reminded me and made tears sting the back of my eyes.  I wanted to hold it all together for my kids; I wanted to be a strong warrior woman.  I did normal tasks house work, teaching at church...and on the outside held it together (I think).

Monday I went in for the D&E.  The clinic was filled with compassionate people, and good drugs.  I don't remember much of the day.  Thankfully.

Yesterday I went back to work, thinking I was ready to get back to normal, and physically I am.  Emotionally, however, I feel raw.  A furry of feelings are just under the surface, and anything anyone says to me can trigger any one of them.  From anger to impatience, sadness, to frustration. I know the feelings will pass.  I just wish they would pass soon.

So, if you see me:  Yes, I look like crap or "tired".  I don't know "what happened or why"?  I'm fine. I am so, so, so thankful for the beautiful children I have, and yes, I realize I am young and can try again.

Now, can we just move on and get back to the normal gossip, complaining about kids, and meaningless talk because if you mention much  more I'm not sure which ugly emotion might raise it's head.  Seriously, I'm fine...or at least I know I will be.

Some Beach, somewhere...

Life as a Working Mom

I haven't posted in FOREVER!! Life has just gotten crazy, and honestly, I forget about Blogging.  The biggest happening for me has been starting a new job.  I am now teaching at the Islamic School of Columbia MO.  I teach 1st grade to 3 crazy kiddos.  To answer the questions I get most often: No, I don't have to teach them anything to do with their religion, and Yes, it is a pretty normal curriculum.  I don't wear the hijab (head scarf), but I do dress modestly.

I have decided that while I love teaching, man, I miss seeing my babies all day.  I miss picking up Jaden from school and reading with Jensen.  I miss doing Mea's hair in the morning.  Being a working mom is hard.  I thought it would be easier, but it isn't.  I traded isolation and repetition for guilt and longing.  So, I guess what they say is true, the grass is greener.

I do believe this job was God given.  Jared and I were trying to figure out how to make all the finances work, and ISCM called.  They offered me a job- 1) I couldn't pass up, and 2) Hours where Jared could stay at home during the day while I work.  It has been a blessing to work and know that we will have everything our family needs.  That being said- fingers & toes crossed that Jared gets the extension job he is interviewing for.

What I have decided is that I only get to do this mom thing once.  My babies will only be babies for a couple of years, so I'm going to enjoy it while I can.  This might be my last year to teach full time for the next couple of years.  Just until I get my kids all in school.  I know I am a good teacher, but when my kids are home and I'm not, I spend the day wondering what they are doing.

 I am thankful for the opportunity to be able to choose what I want to do as a woman, to have options.  But, I'm just not buying into the "a woman can have it all" concept.  Not this woman- not all at once.  In my life I am going to have it all...I'll have a great job, great kids, a house, a nice car...and everything else we need/want.  Right now, that is just too much pressure, and me spread too thin.  I want to enjoy it all, as well as having it all, and stuffing it all in at one time is hard.

This post is probably TMI for everyone...so on to what you are really wanting...KIDS PICS!

Let the Gingerbread house making Begin!

 They are winking :-)

Jensen's sleep

I don't know what happens when my kids turn 2.  The refuse to sleep.  I guess they just figure interesting things happen after 8.  Jensen has been really hard to get to sleep.  I try all the "Super Nanny" techniques, I've tried drugs (only legal safe ones- don't hate), laying with him, rocking him, not letting him take a nap in the day.  Anyway, I give in some nights and let it go- I just don't want to fight him.  After about 10, I start finding him in funny places.  The tall kitchen chairs...his closet....

Oh, I understand the importance of a good nights sleep, I am a responsible parent, and by 3 the other kids have figured it out, it just takes them a year or so to get the boundary.  I promise I'm a good mom :-)

The kids

Here's a cute one of the kiddos, just because...

CUTE Boys

This video makes my heart melt.  Jaden is reading to Jens, and they don't know I am taping them from around the corner.  It lasted about 20 mins like this.

Happy Birthday Dad!!

A week late, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY JARED!  He finally caught up to me and is the big 3-0!  We tried to make his evening special with a good dinner and ice cream cake.  The kids picked out a card in the store.  I just saw the picture and didn't read the inside until we got home.  It said Happy Birthday....Hope it is BUCKING AWESOME!  Nice- nothing like a 2 and 3 year old yelling BUCKING AWESOME!

Catching up...

I haven't wrote anything since March, but it isn't because we haven't had a ton going on.  In fact just the opposite.  I can't even believe how much we've done and the milestones we've hit in the past little bit of time.  So here's the rundown in semi chronological order...

Mea turned 7 and Jaden turned 3 in April.  My babies are not babies anymore.  For each child, we celebrated at home with family.  They are spoiled rotten; Jaden's favorite gift was an ORANGE bike and Mea loves her American Girl Doll. For having several years spacing them out they are so close.  Jaden absolutely adores Mea and Mea is understanding and lets her brother tag along.  I love watching them play together and when they are both home, you'll often times catch them snuggled together.

We got a kitten- Mea got it for her birthday, but the boys love her and take care of her when Mea is not here.  Izzy is the name Mea chose after a lot of deliberation.  My vote was for Sasha Striker- but I was out voted :-) 

Jared finished his Ph.D.  We had a lot of fun watching him walk- even thought it was a LONG ceremony for the kids.  Everyone is SUPER proud of Dad.

Mea had her first "real" dance recital.  She has had dreams of being a ballerina, so it was neat to see her shine on stage.  I almost shed a tear at how old she looked in full make-up, but I was so proud of her!!

Jared promised when he finished school we'd go to the beach so the week school got out we packed the van and headed to Biloxi.  It was so relaxing, beautiful and fun.  We have tons of stories to tell- birds pooping on our heads, stingrays, drinking ocean water, but I won't bore you with the details. There were so many really good pictures I had to include them all... 

This digital slideshow personalized with Smilebox

Shortly after our beach trip we got to go New Mexico to visit Jared's family.  The kids love it there.  The boys in the family are in heaven, Mea is getting to be quite the cowgirl, and I loved having extra sets of hands to help out- I almost read a whole book while we were there.  It is so nice to see family.  I had never gotten a chance to walk around the Gandpa and Grandma McCoy's farm until this trip and the scenery was breathtaking.

This digital slideshow created with Smilebox

Jensen turned 2.  He's been more and more independent, verbal, and crazy since.  Everyone who meets Jensen falls in love with him, from his smile, to his strut.  We love our "little man".

 After the parties were through, we have spent the summer recovering!  Lots of time in the sun.  We've worked on making new friends, and enjoying our cousins.  Tyler and Emma are Jaden and Jensen's "best friends".  I hope that it stays for ever.  I got to have a sisters day.  We realized that somethings never change- both the silly things we still do to our love for one another.  Sold a car, got a moped (LOVE IT).  Went to Youth Conference- met some fun ladies. Won the ward Pinewood Derby (thanks Grandpa Decker). Mea got her Library Card....

So Life goes on and on.  We enjoy every minute (okay most minutes).  We are BLESSED!!

Impromptu Family Pic

They paused long enough to get a pic a couple of weeks ago.

Spring

We have been so lucky this year to have above 70 degree temps already. The kids have lived outside and I am right with them as much as possible. These pics were taken last week, and it is already so much greener. This week Jaden and Jensen have started playing together more. It is so fun to listen to the become best buddies.

I've had a Birthday, Shout HURRAY!!

I had a huge response from my "good deeds" birthday project on Facebook, so I thought I'd give you a few details and pictures. A couple of weeks before my birthday, I started feeling it. Silly, I know, but I just got really grumpy about the whole thing. Birthdays usually don't bother me at all, I usually don't even like to celebrate them that much, but this year I felt super annoyed about the whole aging deal. I couldn't put my finger on why. I really love where I am in life- my family is great, I am settling into staying at home, I'm learning some new skills...not to brag- but I have it pretty good. Even at looking at my blessings, I still found myself annoyed with the upcoming day. As a youth in church, I had been taught that if you are feeling bad about where you're at- go serve someone else. So I began making a plan- 3o acts of service- one for each year I'd been around. I started searching the internet and found people doing the same thing. I begain thinking- I can actually pull this off. I made a plan, arranged the lists to be efficent (I had all 3 kids with me so this was esential) and set to work. I made some cute lables. I wanted people to know that we were leaving an act of kindness- cookies weren't left by accident, $ wasn't carelessly dropped, in the hopes that the it would help people be a little kinder or at least smile (I'm a romatic at heart and secretly hoped this day would have a ripple effect for people who recieved. Crazy? Maybe- but a girl can dream big!)

The night before the big day, the kids and I made 12 dozen cookies. We had fun dancing, singing and stirring in the kitchen.

The next morning I was shocked at how easy it was to hop out of bed. I was so excited to start the day. Here's a run down...

For act 1, 2 & 3 we left a dozen cookies out for our neighbors. Mea loved running from house to house leaving them on the doorsteps...

4&5 We left cookies for the trash and recycling men. The kids watched for the men out the window and the highlight of the day was watching our trash man dance in the street after finding his bag of goodies.

6 Cookies for the mailwoman

Here's where the crazy of the day began- we actually had to get out of the house. All 3 kids were amazing all day. They laughed, were super secret agents and just went with the flow! Impressive for a 6, 2 and 1 year old!

7-11 Left five $1 bills in the dollar store toys. This was awesome. The store was busy, so we had to wait until the aisle was empty. I let each kid pick a spot. Then when I checked out some goodies for the hospital- Mea hid 2 more on her own. She was smiling so big as we walked out I thought her face was going to crack!

12 Dropped of flowers to Grammy's work

13 Took stuffed animals to the firehouse to give to kids when they respond to a problem.

14 While we were at the firehouse, we dropped off cookies to the firemen. They were so great with the kids and took them to see the big trucks. Very cool!!

15 Took flowers to the Women's and Children's Hospital. We asked the receptionist to give it to someone who might need it.

16 We also took craft supplies up to the Children's ward for them to pass the time.

17 Held the door at the hospital (Simple, but I was trying to show my kids even small acts of kindness can make someone's day.)

18 Let someone in front of us at Subway. The woman kept checking her watch and huffing. I decided she must be in a hurry. After accepting the favor, she smiled and even made some small talk while waiting. This was one of the hardest things to do. Waiting in line with 2 boys is brutal, but I was so glad I did.

19 Let someone have our "rockstar parking spot" at Target and walked from way far away.

20-21 Left change on the vending machines at the mall

22-26 Left quarters on the kids favorite candy machines

27 We talked about being kind to our friends at the play area at the mall. The kids enjoyed playing with the kids there and I helped every kid in there climb on the huge balls. I laughed with my kids, stranger kids, and moms.

28 Dropped off books and art supplies off at the Rainbow House of Columbia.

29 Heartattacked Aunt Mar's door

30 Ate cookies and milk, snuggled on the couch with my kids. We talked about our favorite parts of the day and I took time to actually listen for as long as they want to talk and sat for as long as they wanted to sit.

The day was perfect. I felt better about life and my kids learned some important lessons. Lots of fun!! After seeing it on fb, people have stopped me in the halls at church and sent me some wonderful things that they were inspired to do. Thanks so much- maybe a tiny ripple was started!!

For those of you looking for Jens- he was there all day, but anytime we got the camera out he screamed. He wanted to take the pictures, so he is behind the camera most of the time.